The Meaning of Life
by Zaise
Summary: A GW/Monty Python parody. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
1. Default Chapter Title

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THE MEANING OF LIFE  
by Laisia [animestarre@aol.com]  
Part 0: Prologue  
Disclaimer: GW isn't mine. Monty Python isn't mine. Blah.  
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Heero-fish: Morning.  
  
Duo-fish: Morning.  
  
Trowa-fish: Morning.  
  
Quatre-fish: Morning.  
  
Trowa-fish: Morning.  
  
Heero-fish: Morning.  
  
Duo-fish: Morning.  
  
Quatre-fish: What's new?  
  
Heero-fish: Nothing.  
  
Wufei-fish & Zechs-fish: Morning.  
  
Other four fish: Morning, morning, morning.  
  
Heero-fish: Quatre was just asking us "what's new."  
  
Wufei-fish: So he was.  
  
Heero-fish: Yes.  
  
Trowa-fish: Look over there. Howard's being eaten.  
  
Duo-fish: Really?  
  
*all fish move forward to see a waiter serving a large grilled fish to a blonde woman with forked eyebrows*  
  
Duo-fish: Sure makes ya think, doesn't it?  
  
Quatre-fish: Yes... what is it all about?  
  
Wufei-fish: I don't know...  
  
Trowa-fish: *sings* Why are we here, what's life all about?  
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?  
Well tonight we're going to screw-- er-- sort it all out,  
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.  
  
Quatre-fish: *sings* What's the point of all this hoax?  
Is it the chicken and the egg time, are we all just yolks?  
Or perhaps, we're just one of God's little toys-- heh-- jokes,  
Well ca c'est the Meaning of Life.  
  
Wufei-fish: *sings* Is life just a game where we make up the rules  
While we're searching for something to screw-- um-- say  
Or are we just simply spiralling coils  
Of horny, lusting-- um-- self-replicating sex-driven-- heh-- DNA?  
Heero-fish, Duo-fish, Zechs-fish: *sing in high-pitched voices, echoing "DNA"* Nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay!  
  
Trowa-fish: *sings* What is life? What is our fate?  
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?  
Is mankind evolving or is it too much work-- er-- too late?  
Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life.  
  
Quatre-fish: *sings* For millions this life is a sad vale of tears  
Sitting round with really nothing to say  
While scientists say we're just simply horny little-- gomen-- spiralling coils  
Of insane, funnyfarm-bound-- oops-- self-replicating DNA.  
Heero-fish, Duo-fish, Zechs-fish: *sing in high-pitched voices, echoing "DNA"* Nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay nay!  
  
Laisia (narrator): QUIT MESSING UP THE LYRICS, YOU GUYS!  
  
Wufei-fish: *sings* So just why, why are we here?  
And just what, what, what, what do we fuck-- heh-- fear?  
Well ce soir, for a change, it will all be made fun-- oh-- clear,  
For this is the Meaning of Life - c'est le sens de la vie -  
This is the Meaning of Life.  
  
~TBC...~


	2. Default Chapter Title

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THE MEANING OF LIFE  
by Laisia [animestarre@aol.com]  
Part I: The Miracle of Birth  
Disclaimer: GW isn't mine. Monty Python isn't mine. Blah.  
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Laisia (narrator): We open in a hospital corridor. A young woman with her hair in braided buns (resembling those of Princess Leia from Star Wars) is being wheeled down the corridor (by a nurse) VERY fast on a trolley. The trolley crashes through several sets of doors. A nurse (who is with the woman) leaves the mother in the hallway and goes into what appears to be a consultant's room. There are two doctors inside... making out.  
  
Dr. Duo: Mmm... ahh... daaaaymn...  
  
Nurse Relena: Err... *blushes* Ms. Une's contractions are occurring more frequently, Doctor...  
  
Dr. Duo: *looks up from the other doctor, sighs, and stands up, walking to the door* Yeah, great. Take her into the foetus-frightening room.  
  
Nurse Relena: Okay...  
  
*Dr. Duo, Nurse Relena, and small, blonde doctor go into other room, bringing Lady Une with them*  
  
Dr. Duo: *looks around* Eh, it's a bit bare in here today, doncha think...?  
  
Dr. Quatre: Yes indeed.  
  
Dr. Duo: Get some more kickass machines in here, Nurse Relena.  
  
Nurse Relena: Yes, Doctor. What shall I get?  
  
Dr. Duo: Hmm. Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV. I haven't the foggiest clue what the bloody hell THOSE things are, they just sound cool and they're supposed to work. It says so in the manuals that came with 'em.  
  
Dr. Quatre: Oh, and get the machine that goes 'Boink'!  
  
Dr. Duo: Errm... Quatre... wrong machine.  
  
Dr. Quatre: *eyes grow big* Whoops! I meant the machine that goes 'Baka'!  
  
Dr. Duo: THAT'S EVIL!  
  
Nurse Relena: Oi, how about the machine that goes 'Ping'? Isn't that easier?  
  
Dr. Quatre & Dr. Duo: NO! That's UNORIGINAL!  
  
Dr. Duo: Ooh! I know! I know! We'll get the machine that goes 'Squick'!  
  
Nurse Relena: *looks like she's going to throw up* Yes... Doctor... *runs off, clutching her stomach and gagging*  
  
*retching is heard from across the hall*  
  
Dr. Duo: What's with her?  
  
*Nurse Relena returns, wheeling a lot of machines in front of her*  
  
Dr. Quatre: There. That's good!  
  
*room quickly fills with equipment*  
  
Dr. Duo: That's much, much better.  
  
Dr. Quatre: Yes indeed.  
  
Dr. Duo: Matte... isn't there something missing? *thinks*  
  
Dr. Quatre: Hmm... *thinks*  
  
Dr. Duo & Dr. Quatre: Patient?  
  
Dr. Quatre: Where's Ms. Une?  
  
Dr. Duo: Hey, where the hell's the patient?  
  
Dr. Quatre: Oh paaaaatient! Where aaaaaare youuuu?  
  
Nurse Relena: *forces her way through jungle of machines* Oh, she's right here! Behind all these machines!  
  
Dr. Duo: Bring 'er over here, we don't have all day.  
  
Dr. Quatre: Watch that machine! It's very expensive.  
  
Dr. Duo: Come on, come on!  
  
Dr. Quatre: Jump up on the table, dearie. Up! There you go!  
  
Dr. Duo: Hiya! Don't look at me like that, I'm not going to kill the baby or anything, miss! Don't start fretting! *ducks a punch* And don't start trying to cause me bodily harm, either! Eep!  
  
Dr. Quatre: You poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in a jiffy. *ducks a punch* Stop that right now, Ms. Une! That's not very polite behavior for a lady, now is-- *ducks another punch* Stop that!  
  
Dr. Duo: Now, stop trying to punch us, and let us take over, miss. *ducks yet another punch* You'll never even know what happened. That's how good we are at this stuff! *flashes the V-sign*  
  
Dr. Quatre & Dr. Duo: Sayonara, sayonara! Drips up! Injections, injections!  
  
Dr. Quatre: Can I put the tube in the baby's head? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Onegai? Oneg--  
  
Dr. Duo: HAI! FINE! But only if I can do the epesiotomy.  
  
Dr. Quatre: I don't even know what that is. Go ahead.  
  
Dr. Duo: Legs up! That's a good girl! *ducks another punch* QUIT THAT!  
  
*Lady Une's legs are placed in stirrups hanging from above, Dr. Duo and Dr. Quatre open the doors opposite from her*  
  
Dr. Duo & Dr. Quatre: Come on in, everyone! That's it, that's jolly good. Come on, come on, spread around and watch!  
  
*a small crowd of people enters the room, mostly medical people but a few Japanese people with video cameras are mixed in*  
  
Dr. Duo: Now, let's see... *bumps into a guy with forked eyebrows and tiny, strange little bangs* Who are you?  
  
Treize: I'm her husband, if you don't mind.  
  
Dr. Duo: Err... so what?! Only people involved with this are allowed in here. Shoo! *ushers Treize out of the room*  
  
Une: What am I supposed to be doing?  
  
Dr. Quatre: Eh?  
  
Une: Never mind. What's that? *points at a machine*  
  
Dr. Duo: That's the machine that goes 'Squick'!  
  
Une: *looks sick*  
  
Machine: 'Squick'!  
  
Dr. Duo: See? That means your baby is going to grow up to be a very nasty, very disturbed child who receives sexual pleasure from skulls.  
  
Une: WHAT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Dr. Quatre: *ignores Lady Une's outburst* Veeery expensive piece of equipment, if I do say so myself.  
  
Dr. Duo: Almost cost a bloody million pounds!  
  
Dr. Quatre: Don't you feel lucky, Ms. Une?  
  
Une: *glare* Oh yes, ever so.  
  
Nurse Relena: *walks in* The administrator's here, Doctor.  
  
Dr. Duo: Quick! Turn everything on!  
  
*machines are all turned on and lots of flashes, beeps, and thuds follow this action; administrator [Zechs] enters room*  
  
Zechs: Morning, gentlemen.  
  
Dr. Duo & Dr. Quatre: Morning, Mr. Marquise.  
  
Zechs: Very impressive, indeed. What are you doing this morning?  
  
Dr. Duo: It's a birth.  
  
Zechs: And what sort of a thing is a birth, praytell?  
  
Dr. Quatre: Well, it's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy so that it doesn't stay in there interminably.  
  
Zechs: Wonderful, the things we can do these days. Ah, yes, I see you have the machine that goes 'Squick'! That is my favorite machine, indeed. We lease this one back to the company we sold it to, so that it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.  
  
*everyone in the room applauds*  
  
Zechs: Thank you, thank you all. We always try to do our best in everything we do. Well, do carry on, I'll be on my way. *leaves*  
  
Nurse Relena: Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor.  
  
Dr. Duo: What are you talking about?!  
  
Nurse Relena: The baby's coming out.  
  
Dr. Duo: Oh. I knew that all along! I was just testing your knowledge. And you are quite right. There's the head. Yes, four centimeters, yes, five, six, yes...  
  
Dr. Quatre & Dr. Duo: Lights! Amplify the squick machine. Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes, folks, the big moment - a big, bloody, ugly, wrinkly baby!  
  
*baby arrives*  
  
Dr. Duo: And now... we frighten it!  
  
Une: WHAT?!  
  
Dr. Quatre & Dr. Duo: *grab baby, hold it upside down, shake it, slap it, poke it, jiggle it, poke tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water, tickle and prod at it; put it on wooden chopping block, umbillical cord is chopped with a butcher knife.*  
  
Dr. Duo: And the rough towels! *dries baby off with rough towels*  
  
Dr. Duo: Show it to the mother. *sticks baby in Lady Une's face, whisks it back away from her again before she can even look at all of it*  
  
Dr. Quatre & Dr. Duo: That's enough, people! Right. Now the mother. Sedate her, number the child, measure it, blood type it, and ISOLATE it.  
  
Nurse Relena: The show is over, people, you can leave now.  
  
Une: Is it a boy or a girl?  
  
Dr. Duo: Now, now, miss, it's a little early to impose rules on the poor child, don't you think? Now here's some advice for you. You may discover that you go through a completely irrational, stupid, pointless bout of severe depression. We doctors call it PND. So it's lotsa happy pills for you, miss, and you can find out all about your birth when you get home if you like. It's available on Betamax, VHS, Super 8, DVD, cable, satellite, and laser disc.


End file.
